Some days I crave being a mommy so badly. I think about it every day but some days it's the only thing on my mind. Especially when I am the only one in the room without a beautiful pregnant belly or a baby. I instantly feel alienated. I am an outsider, with nothing to add to the conversation except what I know about child development. I know nothing first hand about being a mom. Everything I know is from a textbook. It's unfair. It's unfair to watch all of my family and friends belly's getting bigger. It's unfair to think that they will all probably have 2-3 kids before I even have 1. It really puts a damper on my spirit.
I'm a natural born planner. I like to have an agenda and infertility is messing everything up. I know longer am in control of my future plans. I don't know what we will have to put on hold, or what we will have to give up to afford fertility treatments. The injustice of it all is unreal.
In the span of 11 months, my husband, three of his brothers and his sister all got married. It was exciting to join the family all together. But now, they're all having babies or have had a baby already. We're not. And people make comments about it. I want to join in the fun. I want to be able to make my mom a grandma. I want my mother in law to have another grandchild. It's a terrible feeling to be left out of something like that. It breaks my heart to not be apart of it.
I know that when I wake up tomorrow my heart will be changed and I will regain my trust and faith in my Heavenly Father. But tonight, I just need to cry, and get all of the frustration out that I have with infertility.
All I want is to be a mommy. To look at my little baby that has my husbands hair and my eyes. That's all I want. Is that so much to ask?
Wished I was there to give you a hug. Sometimes all you can do is just cry it out. I still do everyonce in awhile. Having AJ filled my heart to overflowing, filled my empty arms, filled my life's dream of being a mommy. However, the saddness of never feeling life grow inside me is overwhelming sometimes. IF, without a doubt, is one of the most cruel, most unfair diseases there is. We may never know why we've had to endure this this side of Heaven. But He does. I'm saying a little prayer for you right now.
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ReplyDeleteI know what you mean. I have given stuff up for IF treatments. And I too am such a planner. I love to plan ahead, it totally makes me think of that saying "life is what happens, when your making plans!" And eventhough I wish it didn't bother me, it drives me crazy that I'm the only one of my friends who isn't a mom. Sigh. And I hate everytime I miscarry telling my mom and mother in law, I tell them everything, so it's hard when you feel like you have to break their heart and disappoint them.
ReplyDeleteBig Hug! Your day will come and think how thankful you will be! :)
I loved this:
ReplyDelete"I'm a natural born planner. I like to have an agenda and infertility is messing everything up. I no longer am in control of my future plans."
That just about sums it up for me! Sometimes I think (though I know it isn't true) that IF targets those of us with OCD-type personalities, maybe to show us that we CAN'T plan everything (no matter how much we'd like to!)
Big hugs,
Jo
I feel ya! Going on three years and no babies.
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