Let's get serious.

This post might seem a little scattered, and might not make sense, but I just need to type out my words, and hopefully I can at least make sense of them in my own head.

Brian and I have been married for almost a year. 361 days to be exact. That means that we've also been trying to have a baby for almost a year. and obviously that means that we've had almost a year of let downs, negative pregnancy tests and lots of tears. It's been 8 months since aunt flo last visited me, but I don't know if the prior visits from her were because of my body actually doing what it was supposed to be doing or if it was the birth control talking. Either way, 8 months. I've taken over 12 pregnancy tests since we've been married. Normal women, with normal cycles can only take them once a month, but me, I take them whenever I feel that there might be the slightest chance of pregnancy- since I dont have aunt flo to either confirm or decline it for me like most do. It's sad, but more frustrating. More painful then I think I ever could have thought it could be. We want to be parents, very badly. We're the last of our friends to be so lucky. I have 3 pregnant sister in laws. Now, don't get me wrong- I am ELATED for them. I am thrilled for them. I'm also very JEALOUS of them. It kills me to read facebook posts about girls complaining about their pregancy, or about how little sleep they've gotten. I would gladly throw up all day, every day, if that meant that I could have a baby. I would gladly give up sleep if that meant that I was awake to take care of a baby that is part me, part Brian that needs me to take care of it. I would gladly do that, time and time again.

I go in and out of funks. Last weekend, I cried all weekend. I couldn't stop. My eyes hurt. I might have used an entire bottle of eye drops to help mask out the pain that occured from me crying for so long. It was a good cry. A  much needed cry. It was like a cry on the movies, where they get on their knees and scream to the Heavens "WHY?!" but I didn't do that, I promise. But it was an ugly cry, very ugly cry. I felt better for doing so. During our Memorial Day tradition as my BIL Stephen was updating everyone on the family it went something like this "Mike and Anna had a baby, Me and Jodi are expecting, Brandon and Ann are expecting, so and so are expecting (I can't announce their exciting news for them :-) ) and Brian and Ashlee are not expecting. It stung. It hurt. My entire body felt as though a thick gust of wind just shot right through me. I know that Steve didn't mean to say it like that, to most people those words don't even make them flinch. But for me, it ruinged my entire day. This week, I'm much better. I haven't had anyone announce a pregnancy, that usually helps. I talked with my friend Lisa who has PCOS and who got pregnant without medicine or a period!! I'm feeling great about things. I will be getting insurance, finally, and can see what is up with my lady parts. I've been daydreaming about Brian and I going to Europe next year and about us buying a house. I'm not letting the possibility of me being infertile hinder my relationship, my dreams, my hopes and my attitude. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me and if this is the trial he is putting me through to entrust me with one of his most beautiful children then so be it. It's making me stronger, and when that day comes- that I see 2 lines on the HPT I will be more joyous then I ever though I could be, or when we get chosen to be an adoptive family I will have more tears of happiness that I ever thought possible.

We will be parents. Just sadly, not today.

Thank you all for being sensitve to this fact. Thank you all for not asking me every day if I am pregnant. Because trust me, when I am- You will ALL know!

For more ways to be sensitive to infertility check out my post HERE.