I have a friend named Derek. He has cancer. He is one of the most amazing guys I know. Why you ask? Because he is the person I think of when I think of a fighter. Of a person who has so much faith and courage that he doesn't sulk in his own pity. His strength gives me strength. I have never once heard him complain. Not once. He is truly one of my heroes.
I may not have cancer but I do have a disease and I just can't decide how I want to be perceived. Do I want to be the person who faces her trial head held high, and with a smile on her face? Do I want to be the person that other people think of when they think of overcoming adversity. Heck yeah I do.
But I don't think I can.
I don't think I have the strength, or the might to do that. My faith is strong. It isn't going anywhere. Infertility has made me question a lot of things, but definitely not my faith. I have faith that one way or another I will be a mom. But its the getting from point a to point b that has me thinking.
But, I also don't want to be that whiny person that people think of either. I don't want to be the one that always complains about how crappy her life is. People like that make me want to vomit. I don't want to be that person. I've never been that person.
I wish I could be more like Derek. I wish I could face the fact that infertility doesn't define me. It doesn't make me who I am. It may shape my character, but that's all. I've grown stronger. I've fallen in love with Brian more and more because of this. But I still always feel like that girl in the room with the broken heart and the irregular body. I feel like my life is not shaping up to be how I wanted it to be. I feel helpless. I feel inadequate. I feel useless.
I am trying though. I'm trying to be the person that people can look to for strength. I want to be that person, I just don't know if I know how to be.
Ashlee.. you know I love you and I know all to well the struggle you are facing. but I want to remind you that life doesnt stop because of infertility. If you keep living your life the way you are it will happen eventually. Just step back and realize all the good you have and know that everything has a purpose and there is a reason why its taking so long. you may not understand as I didnt understand but God knows and it will happen along his plan. and know you are strong! keep being an example and keep your head up high. dont let "infertility" dampen your day. And so you know you're alot stronger than I was when it comes to faith.. year after year of trying made me start to wonder if it was because of something I was doing or not going to church that was preventing me from getting pregnant. but then I realized that it just wasnt my time. and when I lost my little love last year it devistated me but you have to just pick up and try again. and thats what I did and look where I am today... Ashlee I know one day you will be a mom.. just dont let infertility run your life. Love you and miss you!!! :-)
ReplyDeleteOk I'm going to try my best to write out a thoughtful response and hope it doesn't come off as utter word vomit as I've been feeling similar lately...except for the friend with cancer part. I too often feel broken hearted, stuck, and inadequate, in fact I just had a breakdown about the latter on Sunday.
ReplyDeleteIn reading your post the thought that keeps coming to mind is that I don't think the two (strength and broken hearted)are necessarily mutually exclusive. It takes strength to continue on in the journey and that is overcoming adversity. The feelings of being broken hearted make us humble and increase our compassion for the struggles of others (at least it has for me), which I think it's fair to say has its own kind of strength.
I agree that we shouldn't always complain, because at least for me things could be a lot worse and we are really blessed. That doesn't mean I'm not allowed to have bad days when I need to vent.
Our relief society lesson this week was about how life doesn't go how we planned it and she shared Hugh B. Brown's story of the currant bush that Elder D. Todd Christofferson related in his talk at April's conference. It is a good story that made me think and I'm going to try to trust the gardner here.
I'm going to shut up now and I don't know if I've said anything worthwhile. We (myself included) just have to keep trying though.
i'm so sorry you are feeling this way. you are strong! you're still living your day to day life. you haven't given up! we see ourselves differently than everyone else does- we always find the negative first. ♥
ReplyDeleteYou are on my list of amazing people right there along with Derek. I am always amazed by you.
ReplyDeletePS-I told Trevor that I wanted his job so I could be your aid (he is your aid right?). I think that would be awesome!