not the best day.

Today was a beautiful overcast and slightly rainy day which is an unusual occurrence for Arizona at this time of year. My class was behaving better than usual and I looked pretty dang hot. I thought the day would be wonderfully perfect and at the end of the day I would drive away into the sunset to my wonderful husband.

Ha..

Instead after my kiddos had all gone home I drove to my doctor's appointment. I was welcomed into a room filled with approximately 2 pregnant teens, 3 pregnant grown ups and 1 pregnant something. There was a lady to my right who was fighting with her boyfriend on the phone about how he had gotten some other girl pregnant and she just couldn't have that conversation with him right then. I felt like I was in my own real life Jerry Springer episode.

There were three Ashlee's in the room and they kept using first names only. So when I got called back I checked to make sure I was the one, and the lady responded "Yes, the non pregnant Ashlee." I should've just left then. I already had tears in my eyes and knew that I wasn't going to miraculously get pregnant by the time I got into the room so bad news was all that was coming to me.

I get into the room and sit staring at the diagram of the vagina that was on the back of the door. Gross. Just gross. Then the doctor and his intern came in. I was greeted with a "You're pregnant?!" by the doctor and a high five. How awkward it was when I told him, yet again that nope, I surely was not.

We proceeded to talk about what I've tried and then he tells me there's nothing more he could do for me and I'll have to go an RE. He tells me some stupid story about how I shouldn't try to hard and sends me on my merry way. I can't believe he pulled the just relax card. How dare he?!

I held in my tears until I got to my car and then proceeded to cry the entire way home. and then some more in my bed until Brian came home. Then I cried with him until he convinced me to go shopping. (Does he know me or what?)

I called the RE just to see how much my initial visit would cost. $300. Barf. Did that make you throw up too? I should be spending $300 bucks on a crib. Not on a doctor's appointment.

I feel like my future is crashing down around me. I feel like I am not in control of anything. I hate that I can't just get pregnant. I hate that our financial future could be in jeopardy just so we can have a baby. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

I hate that Brian and I don't get to playfully joke that I might get pregnant or that I can't cringe when anyone asks me if we're planning to have kids soon. I hate that I feel so empty inside. I hate that I cannot make my mom a Grandma. I hate being the only non-parent in the room. I hate that there are so many couples that have to face this horrible trial and yet there is little or no programs to help them.

I don't know what to do. My heart is broken. I feel like my body has betrayed me and there is just no end in sight.

I need some cheering up. I need to know that this too shall pass.