CD 18 and still nothing. In fact, I feel like the testing line gets lighter and lighter every day. It's practically not even there..Frick. Every morning I curse at that blasted pee stick and take all of my emotional pain out on it as I toss yet another one in the trash.
I had a dream the other night about ovulating. Pathetic much? In my dream I peed, saw the smiley face, and then cried on the bathroom floor for like an hour. Sad thing is is that I'm pretty sure that if I ever do in fact see that smiley face I might do just that. Cry. For a long time.
I'm feeling defeated today about my busted plumbing. I'm feeling betrayed all over again. I'm mad at my doctor for giving me a ounce of hope that Femara might actually work for me this time around. My heart is broken yet again at a failed opportunity to procreate with my lover face.
I told myself that if this cycle didn't work out I would give myself one pity day. And today is that day.I'm staying home from church, because that place is swarming with fertile women with hundreds of babies and I just cannot take that right now. Church is the hardest place for me. There's always at least 5 pregnant people around me at all times and cute and crying babies as far as the eye can see.
I'm ready for this trial to end. I've survived 30 months of it so far and I don't know how much more I can take. (or afford). Losing weight better help, it better help me get a dang period. I just want a real shot at actually "trying". I feel like that experience has been taken away from me. Making a baby has been anything but fun. It's been heartbreaking, and exhausting. I've been temping, and checking my non-existent cervical mucus for years with no luck.
I'm just tired. and I feel like I deserve this to be over.
That's all, I'm done complaining. Until next month.
how many people at church are silently going through the same thing you are? I know it's easy to pick out those who aren't, but there are women all around you going through the same thing. you are not alone. there is a great article in the ensign this month that specifically discusses this situation - i hope you read it. :)
ReplyDeleteIwould love to know what ensign article you are talking about. I couldn't find it.
ReplyDeleteI know that i am not alone. I know there are others that feel the same as i do. But the good outweighs the bad. Pregnancy is something i can see and hear about whereas infertility is not. I don't know the women who are struggling also. I wish i did so we could support each other.
I remember those days like they were yesterday. I'm so sorry youre hurting. Church was a difficult place to be, as well as family functions. I just wanted to run away screaming! But. It always helped to have a good cry fest and then focus on my talents and cultivate them. It helped me realize I can do things, eveN if one of them wasn't being able to make a baby. Sending hugs and prayers your way. Xo
ReplyDeleteSorry, I should have been more specific! The article is in the April 2012 issue. It's called "My Search for Motherhood."
ReplyDeleteHope you get to feeling better soon :)
I am so sorry Ashley! PCOS is a weird little disease. If it makes you feel any better (which I know nothing REALLY does) but I didn't ovulate correctly on clomid or femara. I had to go to the injectables. Every cycle I felt hope, but nothing happened, then finally injectables did. One thing I hate about infertility treatment is it seems to be trial and error. You just have to keep trying things until you find the one that works for you. Be as sad as you want, then get back up on the horse and try the next thing. Hugs!
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